Life know not what thou art!
Though you and I walked long together
But why so apart from each other?
Throughout the life I swing like a pendulum between dilemma of : ‘ to be or not to be ,‘to do or not to do’. Seldom I followed what my inner voice aspire. The reason is that I made compromise with the situation. I gave priority to others’ demand instead of listening to my own voice.
My first compromise happened with the most important event of life of accepting marriage decided by my parent. They got an exceptional matrimonial offer from some enlightened wealthy family with no demand of dowry; my parent was so elated that they fixed the date of marriage without my knowledge. My parent assumed that I had no objection. My aunt invited us in her house after I did my Master degree. My future in-laws family was invited to be introduced with me; the meeting was pre-fixed by my aunt and parent .I knew nothing about marriage ;I behaved freely thinking them just guests. When my aunt’s daughter asked me whether I liked them, I expressed courteous opinion, just casually. Due to communication gap of proper understanding between us, my sister showed green signal to my parent. Perhaps in those days parents used to ask indirectly through third party about marital choice.
Though it sounds now surprisingly amusing but it was quiet normal in India at that time.
In my youth I didn’t have the traditional feminine desire of raising my own family; I had great fascination of idealistic life which meant to me we were born for good service to others with philanthropic purpose. At that time I cherished in my mind to stand by my father by taking a job and to help him to bring up my two younger brothers. But never disclose my wish, my dream to anybody. My father spent a lot of money for my education by keeping in hostel as he had transferable job and there were no good colleges he was posted.
It was a time when a girl child was brought up only for getting married. .Education was given only to have better matrimonial connection with a boy of good family ,having bright career. Parents did not expect any financial help from a girl by earning money for parent. My parent, too, held the same philosophy.
When my mother saw me sobbing in the bathroom as I heard of marriage, she thought I had some boyfriend of my choice. She, apologized in choked voice for not asking my consent directly.
She said, “ if you want, we can cancel the ceremony; it costs only fifty paisa to send –a telegram to the groom’s father for cancellation. But think of your father, how his prestige in society will be ruined! A disaster in his life!”
. .
“ Ruining the prestige in society!” was like electric shock to me. Instantly my father’s painful face floated before my mind’s eyes .
“No mom, You needn’t do that ! The fact is that I have dispute not about marriage but about the ‘time’ :I am not mentally prepared now for marriage; I wanted to do job and complete the B.Ed course where I am endowed with scholarship,” .
“You can do that even after marriage. We shall inform your wish to them. But such a matrimonial connection may not come back again.” said my mother.
I noticed how my decision changed the body language of my mother: one eighty degree; minutes ago she seemed to be a frozen statue of grief, talking in husky trembling voice and now seemed a joyful robin bird. She was moving to and fro for ceremonial preparation as swift as a winged fairy .It made me happy; though I gave consent half-heartedly.
Introspecting my face, she consoled me softly, “ happiness of family is based on the degree of compromise; It will be good for you !”
I came inside and saw my father sitting cross-legged on the bed for everyday meditation like a calm and peaceful glowing image !
I said to myself,’ I should never be selfish to hurt my adorable parent’.
I surrendered my dream to the alter of social prestige, to save the family reputation of my parent.
I remembered I woke up little late with the sunrays of August from window on my face ;the melodious tune of Shahnai penetrate my ear and dashed on my heart like waves ; Three rattling words :’today’,’my marriage’, and ‘compromise’’ like a howling siren crackled into my skull !” I got up with heaviness and headache; I came out on the front side terrace; Scattered labourers of decorators were busy with lighting arrangements; …the sun was so scorching at 8:30 morning! I never felt before that the melody of shahnai was so painfully shrilling; Suddenly I felt a tremendous anger in me ; a restlessness; I realized I did a great blunder; why had I given consent? I came to the backyard terrace; it was shady and cool ;but strong smell of cooking and noises from the ground floor; But one corner was comparatively silent . COOPER”S REST HOUSE a big bunglow with huge compound: ” I thought restlessly how to stop the ceremony; with anger I became revengeful; revenge against my father; I leaned against the cornice and looked down ;nobody came in my sight; ;Mr. Cooper ,the owner of the house was a British ranger officer; he ended his life by suicide ; after that this house came to be known ‘GHOST HOUSE.” should I jump for suicide? This was the only way for me to escape from marriage; I surveyed the ground floor again leaning against the cornice; I wouldn’t die but only thud on the soft earth, even if I jump from this height; just then somebody touched me from the back; I looked back startled; saw my cousin sister with a glass of Horlicks for me.
.
Destiny did not accept my choice; coming to later age I realized from this first compromise I gained two awesome gifts :my son and daughter. I spent basking on their successful life. My parent left long ago. My two younger brothers are well-settled in life without any help from me; In short run my choice would have given me self satisfaction, might be elated in sacrificing for greater cause but in the long run life Would have been very lonely and deserted. What happened, has happened for good.
My second compromise happened after marriage: My father-in-law vehemently object against taking teaching job. He thought it was menacing for his family to earn money by daughter-in-law. My husband encouraged me to fulfill my wish; but I obeyed his father’s order.
I repented in the later life for neglecting and spoiling my inner wish .I had innate ability for teaching; an arduous zeal for research and academic life which remained unfulfilled.
I learnt from life that we should neither be too rigid nor too flexible about listening to own inner voice; let not compromise or surrender the core desire to erode the self-identity.
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