Memoires Of (My Journey Part- 1 . )

 TITLE::  Looking back…    19th Jan 2019 

               

I  have crossed a long way of the journey in life; Looking back, even to sketch the outline of life will be as long as mini-epic; perhaps lives of many of us are almost like that.
My life contains neither horror of war nor victim of sex-abuse; Neither experience of torturing or negligence of step-mother or father nor a victim of terminal illness; neither divorce nor any secret extra-marital relationship. Such a plain life without pungent spices leaves little space to write striking ‘memoire' to get a projection of interesting fiction.

 I think my diary is a kind of proxy to memoir; but though my outer life was devoid of any stain or glory; my inner-life was vast and enormous as from my early stage I was a psychonaut; my little mind was full of small wonder and queries, most of which remained unanswered.

Recently I have joined a memoir writing class. Next week I have to submit.I am thinking from where to start. I took a telescopic view of my life and decided to take a back-step journey: beginning from ‘now’ to ‘then’. I divided my life -story in two parts. The greater part of my life spent in India which is lengthy and present part of life in this foreign land last five years. 

I came here just after the funeral ceremony of my late husband was over.
It was  a time of March //or April 2001,  just after the funeral ceremony of  my husband was over.
My eldest brother with his two daughters came and escorted me to leave to the Dumdum airport at 8 PM. The Flight was at 1 AM. After taking boarding pass  and before joining the passport queue,I stopped a while to look back: The three of them were leaning against the visitor's railing.---my 70 years' old brother and his two daughters, Rinku and Jhumu,I could not see their faces clearly but I felt their deep concern for me from the distance;...One last glimpse; I remembered last advice from Rinku, my beloved niece." be cool but alert! We waved one another; Then I joined the queue.                                 


..........After the formalities of passport and papers, I sank into a sofa. Alone. With closed eyes I surveyed my desolated apartment ; I try to memorise  of several things: Whether  I have locked and  disconnected the  cylinder from the oven ; switched off the main box of electricity; closed the windows and all the taps properly  and so on;  the day  seemed to hang on me  as pretty last six months ago  long ago ;Being  sure that I did everything well I opened my eyes.  The lounge was crowded. I felt numb. The crowd seemed to be some shadowy entity from some unknown planet. I sat thoughtlessly. I tried to pull myself  from fading-away feeling

......Remember? Four years back I was here with my husband, going to the US for the first time to visit our children. What an amazing zeal and curiosity were there! and now? ..no feeling. Neither grief nor joy   Even no fear or nervousness. After the announcement, I boarded in the Singapore Airlines. Surprisingly in the same place as the first row. like the before I stared vacantly out the window and saw the deserted viewing lounge. I ruminated on my first experience of US flight. The enthusiasm as I watched everything with hungry eyes,...how my husband made fun of my curiosity and teased me for my ignorance with comments,  'I want to see what will you do without me if you are left alone'. He was showing his pride in being a frequent international flyer. I was really novice then. 

Now I was alone to take this journey across the globe.The plane started taxiing on the runway...

  The deserted viewing lounge, airport office building, cargo building passed away one by one  from my sight and then in a blink of an  eye a the innumerable city lights  in the vast, endless darkness  were fleeing from  my vision; as the plane left the ground with a jolt , it triggered a queer feeling in me :"" Oh God , I am cut off  from my land!" The plane soared higher and higher till I could see no more lights of the soil I  belonged  so long.   and I asked  to myself ," why  am I going?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...




                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Sipra's Diary (M.S -19th Jan 2019) Title (POEM ) Looking Back................CROW, mistery or messenger?

   The funeral party was over,

  The mourning party left

Me, alone, and an empty house.

  I woke up early before
  The chirping of morning birds 

  But lay on bed idly with eyes still closed;

  I heard the chatter of morning walkers--

  Louder than the chirping birds,

 The opening sounds of garage -shutter and shops,

  Horn of school pick-ups,

  Door-bell of milkman and newspaper,

  The smell of incense and blow of conch from the neighbour,

  Reminded me it was Thursday.

  I caught all nuances of  sound and smell

  Of which I was unaware for the last few weeks. 

   As I opened the door 

 Cool fresh air washed  my face;

 I saw the sun sweeping my balcony 

With soft morning glow;

Everything around the neighbourhood

   Was the same with no change! 

 Coming inside with a somewhat vacant mind 

I followed a habitual routine like a machine.  

 Sat in the balcony with morning tea;

No sooner a crow perched close to me

Outside the grill of the balcony.

I kept  on the grill a piece of toast

So that it left me alone

But it didn't touch the toast,

Instead sat fearless and indignant 

Until  I finished my tea. 

Next two-three days also it came,

I offered  biscuit which it took after

I finished my tea. Suddenly 

It flashed my mind

'Is it true that that deceased soul 

Revisit the abode as bird or pet?'

                                                                                                                                                                             One morning, to my fun I heard a call,'caw caw'

                                                       

 As if, asking 'why are you so late?'

Keeping the tray aside I took a biscuit 

While another crow joined the tea-party.
I was confused to decide
who was the husband crow?

  First time in my life I noticed 

This scavenger was not as  ugly as we think

Their bodies were  shiny and clean
 Eyes were like bright beads;

The  younger-thin one  must be female
I guessed as they didn't quarrel.

However, I divided biscuit  to both of them

The regular fat one declared, caw caw,"

Perhaps to mean, 'introduction is over, let us go!'

They picked up own share and flew away'.

 Gazing at their joyful parting I thought_

 How smart you are to pick up your partner 

  So soon in the other world too!!

                                                               

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

wild are No Morre Wild

Wild Are No More Wild

Can you imagine dragon as pet? Yes, I Have eye witnessed it.. People now started loving dragon which was once terrorizing carnivorous animal!

Millions and millions of years ago before the arrival of human species, giant dinosaur and dragon reigned the earth.

. Through the passage of time, most of them disappeared by nature’s selection; but some scientists think that some of the species are still living.. Through the passage of time and eco-environmental influence the shape and size of their predecessors changed.

I was invited to my son’s friend house in Austin, Tx. I saw a huge empty glass-box that looked like an aquarium. At first sight, I thought all fish were dead.  Emily The owner of the house made it clear to me that it was the dwelling place of her pet dragon; actually, it was luxurious glass-apartment with two artificial caves and cactus pebbles shells scattered around the glass house.  the dragon was sleeping; A white cement or( brownish ) coloured creature seemed to be, 4/5 pound by weight.                                                   

“Is it its sleeping time now?”

“No, no, perhaps the heat of the summer makes it tired; it is relaxing the coolness of A.C. “Emily took out the pet in her lap dotingly to give it the comfort of coolness directly.

“Wow, what a surprise!”

Like a human baby with head near the shoulder of Emily and clutching her chest with claws of two fore-legs, started looking at us all reluctantly, but surprisingly not curious,  by moving its neck.

    I thought with much disgust  ‘what for tired! A creature once living on the rough surface of rocks and sand of the earth and praying hard for its food in the jungle and now being treated like a prodigal son of a wealthy man!’

But outwardly asked politely “what does it eat? “

“live cockroaches, worms insects.  It never takes anything deadly,” Emily declared quite proudly. While we were talking, the dragon was taking a tour from lap to lap of the kids and finally to the lap of my daughter-in-law who was giving massage to its back.

Emily said to me joyfully ” Look , how it loves massage; it loves Karen because it gets massage from her .”

I said, “yes its eyes are half-closed in physical ease.” Karen is a high rated chiro practitioner and this carnivorous is getting ‘free service’!
"Lucky star"! .She handed over it to Emily.

 I noticed its nails are long and sharp enough to pierce our skin like a surgeon’s knife.

“How old is it?”

“Three and half years”.   “Is it a female?”     

 “No, male.”   “ How do you define its gender”?  Emily pulled one of its hind legs with some white lines that emit some odour which the only fellow female partner gets.

“How do you know so much about them?  From   the internet or book?”

“The owner of the pet shop supplies all this information to me.

Has it any children?”  “No, I never took him to a pet shop for that purpose.”

 I said to myself ’thank god”! But throw a comment jokingly So you compelled it to forced celibacy”.

Emily informed  “dragons don’t like community living. They began to fight as soon as they meet another one”.

I was watching closely : a combination of little white cement and light brownish in colour;  very clean and as fresh as just  taking  a shower ;two  distinct  ear holes, as big as human;  the bow-shaped  mouth stretched from left to right  near below the ear-hole; two big drowsy eyes with poetic and romantic glances !

Observing my curiosity and interest Emily asked me,” Do you want to take it in lap?”

“yes “. I stretched my arms.

As  Emily made herself free from the clutch of claws, the dragon opened its mouth for yawning and I saw a clear hole in its long tongue like Comodo.  I screamed and jumped back to the wall by instinct;
“ I saw its tongue…does it spit ?”

“Yes, they spit.; but this fellow doesn’t..........

Sipra's Diary : AmeriKalidas

:                                                         “ AmeriKalidas”  

The story of  Kalidas is famous not only in India but throughout the literary world, In fact, most fabled stories of western literature were translated into English and then German from the original  Indian language of Sanskrit.Stories of “Panchtantra”

(Vikramaditya) and dramas of Kalidas reached the Western world through the Middle East.

Kalidas, India’s greatest Sanskrit poet and dramatist was born in Gupta Empire in 5^th/4^th century CE and flourished during the reign of  Chandragupta 11 who adopted the legendary title  Vikramaditya.

The most famous story about the life of Kalidas in his early life says that he was an illiterate idiot and was a dumb fool to start with. It is an interesting story about how he became an enlightened poet. 

A long long time ago there lived a king in India near Ujjain. The king had a beautiful learned daughter named Vidyavati. The princess was very much proud of her knowledge.  The king invited learned handsome princes one after another in his court for his nubile daughter. But the daughter was rejecting them all, on the ground that they were inferior to her in wisdom.  She also humiliated them openly in court.

Her condition of marriage was that the groom ought to be superior in knowledge than her. She asked each one some questions which they all failed to answer. The king became worried to find out a suitable bridegroom.

All the princes who were rejected and humiliated became angry. They were planning jointly how to retaliate against the princess. One day they saw on their way a handsome young man was cutting the same branch on which he was sitting on the top.

To caution him they cried out, “Hey man, stop, otherwise you will fall from the tree!”

The man asked, ”Why”?

The conspirators thought that it was the perfect opportunity to take revenge.  They trained Kalidas some tricks to counter the princess. They decided to send a marriage proposal for the princess with this idiot to put an end to the pride of the princess. They praised Kalidas as the wisest of all, but presently he had taken a vow of silence; so he would not take part in the debate but would answer in sign language. The king was convinced. Princess agreed to marry; as Kalidas proved to be wiser by following the instructions blindly.

But very soon vidyabati came to understand the reality. Being infuriated  She drove Kalidas from the palace.  Being heartbroken  Kalidas tried to suicide by drowning in the river. But the goddess of wisdom appeared and interrupted; Blessed him that he would be remembered forever as one of the greatest poets in the world; Blessings of the goddess came to be true.
Kalidas became great poet throughout the ages (like Shakespeare) and he was one of the nine gems in the court of Gupta Dynasty, which is known as Age of Golden Renaissance. 

At the end of the year when I think the events of last year of America, I remember Kalidas in his early days.  Is America is going to be Kalidas who was cutting the same branch on the top of which he was sitting?   Some of the mass actions, reactions agitations decisions are almost like cutting the same branch on the top of which the prime interest of America as one nation rest secured.Random use of democratic

power  by random poeool of the country

Hope Goddess of Wisdom doesn’t take sleeping peel; She will appear in time to bless and enlighten the Nation to the right way.

Sipra's Diary: Looking back..............vaisnab podaboli

         "Kando kene monre aamar,  akarone"(Bengali)


           WORD:   1,053//.   Ch-No-Sp-5,692//wth sp-6,882 //.     PAGES-( 4 )

      "Why do you weep, o my mind,
                   for no reason?
.......Perhaps profound joy and deep sorrows spring from one and the same source, same root. In my early years, I remember, when my paternal aunty met my grandma after a long time, they used to cry at first sight. It seemed odd drama to us as kids. Later on, it became clear to me, that cry'was due to overwhelming joy of meeting.

"I first heard the above song many years ago in my village from a 'Baisnabi' beggar.
'Baisnabi' or 'Bostom' is a sect like a minstrel in the European country. Love and humility(Krishna-prem) were the base of their religion.
The story of this sect is quite interesting; mainly Birbhum district of Bengal was the centre of origin; men and women attracted to each other,  they lived together without any ritual marriage, which was a rigid social custom/rule at that time; the sect continued  strong even up to 1930/40s, perhaps before 'living together'  was recognised widely in the western world!!

I don't know exactly when this maverick 'culture' evolved in Bengal. And exactly why?

 It may be, I guess, compulsory early marriage of the girls, the burden of dowry system, rigid caste systems, the dominance of patriarchal society, custom of multiple marriages by the 'Kulin' Brahmins, economic poverty, all these together caused to evolve it. Even love between a girl and boy of different caste was considered heinous crime in society.
 I will search for this theme later on in  the internet. Let me divulge now what I know.

Anyway, leaders of the village(called"morols'')were
 very powerful in society for a long time even during British rule. The fathers(mostly upper caste) were tortured and outcast in society by the "morols" if they failed to marry their daughters before 12/13by age.so often many girls were absconding;   absconded  girls  found shelter under some secret secured place led by some social reformer which later came to be known as "AAKHRA."

Every aakhra used to had some headman who set up some rules and regulations which were abided by the members. They thought themselves as devotees of Lord Krishna; Above all,' Love or message of  Krishna-Lila' was the basic mantra; their establishment was based on community-living. All of them used to get same last name 'Das'; Literally "das" means slave; but here they meant devotee;  devotees of Krishna. Creating and sheltering under the same umbrella of "Das"was actually to hit the root of age-old caste system of Indian social structure:quit a revolutionary protest against the deep-rooted systeme at that time but it was implemented in the social fabric with such acuity and cleverness that it mixed  like water with milk and did not create  much movement or uprising.

They depicted Krishna  as very much like human and not as the Avtar of Hindu epic established by the elite;
The common mass accepted the music composed of simple language from  the  ordinary folk  as divine though  many of them were   purge of drastic sexual flavor. 

In simple language, Krishna was practically humanized at the level with basic emotions of common mass; Image of Krishna was thus democratized. All male of 'aakhra' were thought to be part of Lord Krishna and the female as part of Radha.
 Radha-Krishna became the model of aakhra's lifestyle.

 Radha was a married woman much elder than Krishna. So they had to meet secretly. Sitting on a tree and hiding under the leafy branches Krishna played his flute to let Radha know of his presence,(like call in cell- phone); Sound of flute made Radha too crazy to stay away from Krishna. Krishna had affairs with a lot of women from his days of the adolescent.
           The irresistible  attraction for illicit love, flirting which are inherent in human nature and imposing it on Radha-Krishna(the divine figure)they included  subtly different shades of love which  society never approved;
 common people were touched by the music and simple lyrics that composed the theme of passionate love with a touch of immense romanticism.

    "Bolo, bolo tobo kushalo suni,(How do you do)
    Tomar kusole kusolo mani"  (If  you are fine, me too!)

Any girl or boy falling in love could inform the leader(i.e.Pradhan)Neither age nor caste, nor money, but only by exchanging Tulsi-mala (garland of basil seeds) and bindi of sandalwood  and yellow chalk on forehead they lived as partner as long as they wished; they were  also  free to choose other partner leaving the old one. 'Begging' was their common profession; they composed beautiful lyrics of love and composed music which they sang with cymbals when they walked through the neighbourhood on the village-path mostly with the white dress with thin yellow border;   they considered begging as a symbol of humility or benign-ness. As they walked slowly villagers came out and gave rice and vegetables or lentils or coins on their bag or spread piece of cloth; they never need to demand.
 In my parent's house, we had attached ancestry-temple with courtyard; The singers loved to sit on the stairs of the temple and presented song after song. It was their resting place. villagers also requested their favourite song to sing. Gradually, everywhere of Bengal propped up many 'aakhras'. The music with simple lyrics became very popular as it reached and touched the people of both the grass-roots and middle class.
In fact, it was a kind of social uprising like recent 'intifada' 'Arab spring'or 'Perestroika', but peacefully by super coating in a capsule of religiosity.
In course of time, the music and lyrics created by them were known as "Baishnab Padabali' that left a great contribution to Bengali Literature and culture. Biashnab Padabali was included in the syllabus of Bengali literature in master degree.

'Aakhra','lila-kirtan'etc often used in a derogative sense during our college life. Because like most organization, corruption, sex-malpractices caused degradation of  Aakhras'
In course of time with social upliftment, this sect merged with the Gaudiya Math which is also popular as "Hare-Krishna Hare Ram'Temple in the US.

The great novelist Saratchanra chottopadhaya and Tarashankar Chakravarty wrote several fictions, some of which released an award-winning movie like Kamal-lata, acted by Suchitra sen Uttam Kumar. These novels and movies flashed light on the then social set up.

 'Aamaro bodhua anobari jai /aamar- e  angina diya'--o--o-
Translation:

  'My fiance passed tiptoeing
   To flirt with her paramour                
    that  too, through my courtyard,
          Piercing my heart!

  

                                                             WORDS-1053//

********************************************
********************************************************************************************                                                    

debut: Elegy of 31st December,2017

debut: Elegy of 31st December,2017:

       Oh 31^st December,

At the fag end of the year

Amidst the light, music, crowd and cracker

How do you feel the kick of the Newyear

At chilled midnight?

I hear a howling outcry

Piercing the feeble melancholy

That lost in the orgies and cacophony,

"Forget me not, forget me not,’

New years come and Old years go

But please leave a sigh and a drop from eye

For me!"   

Wrapped in silent languishment

Do you wait with one more stone

for the grave, to welcome the next 31^St?

Or, wish to join in the team of

Mourning concert of all

Past 31^st Decembers together?

But there is nothing to mourn,

As in the cemetery of Time

All past present and future

Stand in the same pedestal,

Keep running with the eternal flow.

New year comes and old years go!

N.B.

I got the idea of this poem from my personal diary which was written twenty years back; lt was in prosaic order and in my own language, Bengali. It  was a night when  2000AD, the new millennium was just approaching   with  a mixture of daunting apprehension  and overwhelming vigor. I was alone in  completely unfamiliar new neighborhood. As soon the  clock declared 12 ) 0'clock, I heard from my closed apartment the bursting of crackers along with music and cheering voices of people from all around ; out of curiosity I opened the door and came out in the balcony  to look down the lane. 

Wow!The narrow lane was festooned with balloons and decorated  like spider's net  with multi-colored lights like roof over the lane. I peered the  view of joyful kids with glittering party hats on their heads and whistles and enjoying icecream  (defying the chilly weather of the December),the giggling  parents, young men and women were having funs and snacks from the adjacent food-stall. The lane looked like an empire of Arabian Nights described in the fable.For the last two years ,there was so much speculation and rumor about the new  millennium  which might hit the cosmos with chaos and calamity. But that present scenario left no such trace in any face. Forgetting  all about calamity, people were eager to embrace the new millennium   warmly.   

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

                                                             December 26th, 2020

2020 is a landmark of this millennium. Though each December  reminds me this poem and to renew it ,but I would like to add something; as 2020 manifests  itself with special  feature different from other years of this millennium.

                             

                                          Like every year December 31 is coming near

                                          Knocking me to post and share with others            

                                         Though we passed the jingle bell of Christmas

                                         And sight of all festivals of lights in dampened hearts;

                                         As the pandemic still hangs in precarious future!

                                         Perhaps this December31,2020, won't rest in sepulture.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dec31/2024

                                           

                                          

Sipra's Diary: 'Little learning....................

           

I am realising for myself  how much intensity of truth lies in the idiom"little knowledge is more dangerous"  than utter ignorance. I was quite good in the old world of  my pen and paper with abundant freedom; I used to write anytime according to my wish,according to my mood.Coming to US, I felt one who doesn't know computer he is like a blind ;and one who doesn't know driving ,he/she is  lame; and I am both.
Just after marriage my husband was intensely eager to teach me driving;within one week I became confident about myself that I was never born to learn it.
Now it is also redundant in New York.
 But i-phone and computer seemed to be a must. so with immense curiosity, I ventured to step in the arena of g-zero generation;  Perhaps it was a blunder/sin, for me. I was fascinated to explore this new-found mines of knowledge; so I joined a free computer class for adult in the library. I learnt little there, and the rest by trial and error by myself and by begging help to visitor  guest. As not properly learnt, I have no clear concept about the internet. I often suffer in confusion.

I write in the 'Microsoft words' first and then send it to Google 'draft'. I wrote lots of stories articles memoir and fiction in MS. Fiction cannot be finished in one day. When I want to write next time in Microsoft, I don't find the previous one; when I don't find my stuff, I am stuck and blocked. I feel so frustrated with my failure that I thought much time to go back to my old pavilion. But I can not; I lost the previous connection with the old one but could not handle the new one: technology.
I am caught in a trap. I am 'trapped' in the magical network of the internet. With high expectation, I wrote E-mail to Google  'Help'Team to rescue my lost pieces, but in vain. Until now I wasted a lot of time in fumbling instead of writing.
I remembered childhood adage  how' little learning is
a backlash!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>